So we’re in a new year. It feels almost the same yet different. I know there’s a lot to come this year and much to learn. God is slowly teaching me to follow my dreams because they’re from Him and not just silly fantasies of my childhood heart that still lingers. So I have a feeling that this shall be an interesting year. With my Father and my oh-so-loving-and-patient husband encouraging me I shall go forth to attempt things I’ve been to timid to go after till now. God be praised. My man has a million dreams of his own and it’s interesting to recognize how our dreams intertwine and work together and sometimes blend into one. I love my man and only hope I can encourage and help him along as much he has me. We are so blessed. And, I suppose, there’s not much more that can be said.
And now here is a bit I wrote before the new year:
It always seems to catch me off guard. Today it happened in the car on the way home from work. I was in that tired mixed with peacefullness state of mind and the sky seemed unusually pretty. Suddenly I felt the urge to write. Obviously my current position of controlling the vehicle in which I sat made this impossible so I began to sing. First just random lyrics of some sad would-be-love song relating in no way to my present living circumstances (but because I’ve heard it in the store and it was so beautifully written and sang in fine breathy tones I sort of have a pathetic fondness of) then I began to sing to God and my husband (who was not there…eeeek suspicious) and to the rest of the known world (who also…hmm…could not hear me…). Somehow I think life felt suddenly in need of a song or a poem or, for heaven sake, at least an under-read internet post. So here I am. Now that I’ve revealed the alarming secrets of my lone, radio-less freeway drives I shall speak of the life which drives me to sing or sings me to drive or writes me to … never mind.
The year is almost gone. It hasn’t been boring but neither has it been so dreadfully busy as to kill me. It’s a joy to be typing the words as we pass into the new year. There is much ahead. And that’s pretty much all I can tell. I can strain my eyes trying to look at our future but the only thing I can really make out there is a lack of idle hands (God willing. I know He shall keep challenging us and waiting patiently as I jitter, at times with my hands over my eyes, up to those challenges). It’s one thing to grow up but entirely another to grow out (hey I know we’ve both gained weight since marriage but that is not what I’m referring to). One thing to claw your way to the top, to make a name for yourself for then you have made yourself large before the world. Another thing to be stretched outward by the Maker’s own loving hands, to feel those little rips and tears in your sides as you are somehow stretched farther to touch more lives than you ever thought possible for then the Father has made you grow before himself. We might not be larger after the latter or the former but the difference is, I think, either standing on top some blocks we’ve built thinking we’ve gained some height or becoming suddenly aware of all the empty space our breaking tearings and tryings have left and watching them be filled by something that we could have never found or attained. And I’ll stop right there for fear of becoming over poemanticized.
My point being that I’m beginning to feel those little rips and tears of not being enough as He stretches me to fearlessly go forth in His Name, and each time I break or rip He is ever offering to fill where I lack (even if I don’t get it at first).